Drake Is Now Beardless, Has Possibly Been Kidnapped

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I hate all beards, including Drake’s. I don’t know that his could even be called a beard, really, given that it is kind of a full-face affair spanning the chin, the mustachio area, and the sides of his face all the way up to his ears in a solid mass almost like a balaclava of hair. Then again, maybe I am mistaken, and that’s just what a beard is. All I can say for sure about beards right now is that Drake’s is no longer, and he did it all for “Saturday Night Live.”

To be clear, I don’t know what appearing on “SNL” does or does not have to do with facial hair; I just know that this is something Drake said on Instagram earlier accompanied by a duck face and a raised eyebrow, reporting from a dark vehicle that he does not appear to be driving. He later deleted the post, but it was too late: It racked up more than 53,000 likes and countless screenshots before vanishing. How peculiar.

The only viable explanation I can think of is that Drake has been kidnapped and shaved, and the Instagram-and-delete was a subtle cry for help. Here’s what we know: It could only have happened today, since he sat down with Jimmy Fallon last night, “beard” intact. Who did it? Was it Lorne Michaels? The ghost of John Belushi? Kyle Mooney? (Mooney always seems like he’s up to no good.)

Let’s not waste too much time wondering who the culprit is here: The important thing is that we track down the Canadian rapper before anything goes wrong. Knowing Aubrey Graham, he’s probably weeping in that van, hairless as the day he was born, as we speak. (And if someone manages to find him, you can tune in to NBC tomorrow night at 11:30 p.m. EST to see him promote “Views.”)